DISCLAIMER: This post contains adult language and context.
I’m not going to lie…there was a part of me that was sad when I found out I wasn’t having a girl. I knew this would be my only child and the finality of it all was a bit much. Of course, now that my son is here I couldn’t imagine it any other way. As a single mother of a little boy, I do worry about my ability to handle…well…you know…guy stuff. Luckily, I have two brothers who will hopefully help me out when the time comes. Unfortunately, at 17 months there are already things I was not prepared for.
1. Boys really will be boys
I absolutely hate the saying “Boys will be boys “. It’s used as a way of sweeping the atrocious behavior of boys under the rug. I’m not saying all boys behavior is atrocious. I’m saying when it is, we blow it off with this dangerous saying. There is no comparable saying for girls. The hideous behavior of girls is almost always their own fault. They never get an “out” like “girls will be girls”.
That being said, boys and girls are innately different and it shows sooner than I was prepared for. My son is much rougher with his play than the little girls his age. He throws and bangs, pushes cars and trucks. These are behaviors I have never seen in his closest girlfriend. Prior to parenthood I of course, naively, thought that these behaviors were all learned. What an idiot. Me I mean.
2. Tucking it in
Before having my son I remember hearing about having to tuck the penis down…but I didn’t think it was all that important. I mean, the diaper is tight, what’s the problem? But, there is a phenomena that happens with little boy parts. As a newborn my son would, quite often, have a wet spot near one of his hips. It took me loads and loads of laundry to finally realize that I needed to get in the habit of tucking it in.
3. Baby Boners
No really…what the actual fuck!? I was not prepared to EVER pull back my precious baby boys diaper only to be confronted with a huge baby boner! And to add salt to my wounded eyes and soul, you of course have to tuck it in. There is nothing natural about forcing your sons erect penis down so that his diaper doesn’t leak. NOTHING!
4. Hair around the balls
I used to have a live in boyfriend who was constantly complaining of finding my hair around his balls. I of course thought this was hilarious. As with most things regarding male genitalia, I assumed it wasn’t that bad. And, as with most of these assumptions, I was wrong. I remember the first time I found my hair wrapped around my little guys balls, I laughed and felt bad all at the same time. I was even more surprised to realize how often this actually happens.
5. Golden showers are not awesome
Again, I had of course heard people talk about little boys peeing all over the place. But, the first day I brought my little boy home from the hospital I laid him down on the changing table and was mortified as I watched him piss in his own face. That was when I realized how ridiculous and irrational mama guilt can be. I, of course, have been peed on more times than I can count. The distance my little one can achieve is medal worthy, really.
6. Dick Cheese
Yes, I said it. And yes, mothers of daughters, that shit is real. It was at some point during the first few weeks of my son’s life that I was changing his diaper and while cleaning his “area” I noticed a white substance in the wrinkles. I quickly pointed it out to his father (who we were still living with at the time). He said, unconcerned, “oh ya, that’s just dick cheese”. To which I surprisingly replied “That’s a real thing!?”. I had heard guys use the term before but I thought it was like toe jam. Wait, is toe jam a real thing too? Do people really get a jam like substance between their toes? Anyway, dick cheese is real and I am mortified.
What have I missed ladies? I’d love to hear of the repugnant discoveries you have made along your journey as a mother to a little boy.
Sharing is caring!